February makes me reflective.
I think it is because it is the second month of the year. Everything still feels new, but not in a loud way. Quiet enough to actually look at myself.
When I think about who I was six months ago, it feels like looking at someone I used to know but no longer am. I was angry then. Not always outwardly, not in a way everyone could see, but in a way that lived in my chest. I carried resentment like it was the only thing keeping me standing. I did not always let people treat me the way I deserved, and when I did try to protect myself, it usually came out harsh. I did not know how to be soft without feeling like I was putting myself in danger.
From the outside, I probably looked fine. I was good at hiding it. If you were not close to me, you would not have known how heavy things felt. I surrounded myself with negativity because it matched what was happening in my head. For a long time, I told myself I was not bad enough to need help. I did not fit the image I had of someone who was struggling, so I convinced myself I just needed to deal with it.
Therapy changed a lot for me. Slowly, and sometimes painfully, but in ways I am grateful for now. Toward the end of last year, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and that came with a lot of emotions. Fear, relief, confusion. There is so much stigma around bipolar disorder, and I was scared of what that label would mean. But more than anything, it gave me understanding. It did not change who I was. It helped me understand why things felt the way they did.
Life feels different now. Softer. Not easier, but gentler.
A lot of that has come from learning how to let people close to me, and from being loved in ways that do not feel conditional. Being in a healthy relationship has forced me to look at myself more honestly than I ever have before. It has shown me how much of my anger came from not feeling safe, and how much of my growth has come from finally feeling grounded in someone who is patient, consistent, and real.
I still have hard days. I still feel things deeply. But I am no longer fighting myself all the time. I am learning how to pause instead of react. How to sit with my emotions instead of letting them control me. How to give myself grace without feeling like I am making excuses.
I also know I would not be the person I am now without the people in my life.
My friends who have stayed, who have grown with me, who remind me who I am when I forget. My family, who has supported me even when I was figuring myself out in messy ways. The people I work with, who have become my unofficial family, who show up for me every day in small, steady ways and make me feel like I belong. And my boyfriend, whose presence in my life has changed the way I see myself, who makes me want to grow instead of brace, and who is a big reason I am even pausing to reflect in the first place.
I do not hate who I was six months ago. She was doing the best she could with what she had. But I am deeply grateful for who I am now, and for the people who helped me get here.
February does not feel like a restart. It feels like a moment to look around and realize that I am standing in a life that feels warmer than it used to.
Here is to a new month. And to a gentler way of being.